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OldGoldFreePress COLUMNISTS | BACK TO Guest_Columnist'S COLUMNS

PURDUE MENS BASKETBALL:
Titanic II, The Sequel


MrHoops.com Forum Hall of Fame


Date: 12/18/2004
Author: BoilerBrian
Old Gold Free Press Columnists

    Titanic II, The Sequel

    Word has it that James Cameron has signed a deal with a major motion picture
    studio to direct and produce a sequel to his 1997 film based on the following
    script.

    Scene 1:
    The chart room of a salvage ship, afloat somewhere on the murky waters of the
    Wabash River. A remarkably healthy 104 year old lady named 'Rose' ambles into
    the room with her granddaughter holding her by the elbow. An eager young
    explorer still wearing mud-covered flippers motions to the table. On the table,
    carefully preserved, is an ancient drawing of a naked young woman. Rose looks
    at the picture and turns to the explorer.

    Rose: That's not me.

    Explorer: No, I got this from an old copy of the Starr Report.

    Rose: So you haven't found it yet?

    Explorer (handing Rose a tattered 1998-99 Purdue Basketball Media Guide): All
    we've found is this.

    Rose (smiling as she examines the cover): Gene Keady had a bit more hair and
    he hardly ever scowled like that.

    Explorer: Then you were there?

    Rose: Yes, I was there.

    Rose closes her eyes as the camera joins her flashback

    Scene 2:
    In Nick's Tavern beside the West Lafayette waterfront, a group of young men
    are gathered around a card table.

    Jason Gardner (coughing as he folds his hand): It's too smoky here. I'm head-
    ing for Arizona.

    Mosi Barnes (smiling as he lays down his cards): Two pair

    Carson Cunningham (looking nervously across the table, before breaking into
    a smile as he picks up the ticket from the jackpot): Looks like you're just
    a bit short Mosi. I'M GONNA BE A BOILERMAKER!

    A loud train whistle sounds

    Bartender: You'd better be going. The Boilermaker Express is heading out.

    Carson sprints out the doorway, dribbling through traffic to the end of the
    pier and leaping onto the departing Boilermaker Express as the doomed ship
    pulls away amid streamers, pomp and celebration.

    Celine Dione resumes her mournful song as the scene shifts ...

    Scene 3:
    It is a pleasant evening as Carson wanders the deck of the Boilermaker
    Express. The young and beautiful Rose leans against the railing, enjoying
    the evening as she watches the starters pummel a hapless non-conference
    opponent, while the officer's discuss the voyage's progress with some
    satisfaction.

    Captain Keady: 7-1. Not a bad start at all.

    First Officer Thrash: Indeed. A bit of rough water off the coast of North
    Carolina, but everything was righted by the time we passed St. John's Bay.

    Lieutenant Kendrick: The finest Purdue team ever assembled. I tell you, the
    good Lord Himself couldn't sink this team.

    First Officer Thrash: Isn't that Valparaiso just ahead?

    Suddenly, the ship lurches to the left. Rose is thrown off balance and
    dangles over the bow of the ship, clinging to the railing by one hand. Even
    worse, Valparaiso has cut the Boilermakers' lead to a mere six points.
    Carson enters the game, scores 12 consecutive points, then rescues Rose,
    proclaiming "I'm the King of the World".

    Captain Keady: That was a pretty good save Carson.

    Carson: Thanks Sir.

    First Officer Thrash (whispering to the Captain): He's an underclassman -
    from steerage.

    Lieutenant Kendrick: Perhaps you'd like to join the starters tonight.

    First Officer Thrash: Dress is formal. Wear your uniform.

    The scene closes with another refrain from the lovely and talented Ms. Dione.

    Scene 4:
    Carson Cunningham, wearing a borrowed uniform two sizes to large, climbs the
    staircase to the Grand Ballroom. The starters are milling about, sipping
    their drinks and talking quietly in small groups.

    Carson: I didn't realize that there was going to be a cocktail party. I
    thought there was going to be a basketball game.

    Captain Keady: This IS the basketball game.

    Carson: But everybody's standing around

    First Officer Thrash: Of course everybody's standing around. We're playing
    offense.

    Carson: Doesn't anybody shoot?
    (Everyone in the room turns to look disdainfully at the vulgar young man in
    their midst).

    Lieutenant Kendrick (with a haughty laugh): My dear boy, this is upper class.
    We don't just 'shoot' the ball here. Certainly not with more than three
    seconds left on the shot clock.

    First Officer Thrash (handing Carson the ball): We pass the ball ... politely.

    Carson takes the ball and dribbles between a pair of tall defenders.

    Captain Keady: We'll have none of that here.

    As Carson is escorted from the Ballroom he slips Rose a note that reads:
    'Meet me by the staircase'.

    Giggling, Rose and Carson make their way to the underclass section of the
    ship. It is crowded and rowdy, with Janet Jackson playing on the stereo.
    Rodney Smith is dunking. Maynard Lewis is jacking up threes. John Allison
    is blocking every other shot, with no referee in sight to call goal-tending.
    Cameron Stephens is driving the lane.

    Celine Dione's voice returns to remind us that this is a tragedy as the scene
    changes.

    Scene 5:
    On the bridge of the Boilermaker Express, Captain Keady stares out into the
    darkness. It is quiet. Too quiet.

    Lieutenant Kendrick: That was a close call against Illinois. Perhaps we
    should change our course a bit and try a new starting lineup.

    Captain Keady: Steady as she goes at the helm.

    First Officer Thrash: Perhaps we should ease up a bit on the press. IU and
    Ohio State have lightning quick guards that just seem to come out of
    nowhere.

    Captain Keady: Keep pressing, my man. Keep pressing.

    Suddenly, the ship is rocked by an iceberg slicing against the hull.

    Lieutenant Kendrick: That one was a real ship-Recker.

    A second iceberg slams against the hull even hard.

    First Officer Thrash: Redd-alert! Redd-alert!

    Panic spreads as the alarm sounds. The ship begins to take water and list
    toward the side. Panicked fans run wildly too and fro, stampeding towards
    the lifeboat and jumping into the icy water below. All the while, the pep
    band continues to play "Hail Purdue"

    Ensign Price: This way to the lifeboats. Women and children first please.

    Fan #1: But Rowdy takes up the whole damn lifeboat!

    Fan #2: Not anymore he doesn't.

    First Officer Thrash: Look, that boat left with only one person in it!

    Ensign Price: Hey Jamal, come back!

    As the crew tries to maintain order, the players from steerage desperately
    try to reach the main deck, but find themselves barricaded in.

    In the ship's dining room, a distinguished gray-haired gentleman sits
    calmly dressed in his Sunday best as the room slowly fills with water.

    "Will you be needed anything else Mr. Coombs?" asks the waiter.

    "Just another sherry. That will be all," answers the gentleman.

    As the scene ends, we see Rose and Carson running hand and hand through
    half-submerged corridors, desperately searching for a route to the main
    deck.

    Celine Dione's annoying refrain informs us that the flashback has now
    concluded.

    Scene 6:
    The crew of the salvage ship looks on in rapt attention as Rose finishes
    her story.

    Rose: So you never found it?

    Explorer: No, not a trace.

    Rose: Maybe you weren't looking in the right place.

    Scene 7:
    Late that night as the elderly Rose ambles barefoot down the corridor of
    a darkened Mackey Arena in her nightgown. She stops at an old glass trophy
    case, opens the case, and polishes the tarnished plaque on an old metal
    trophy. It reads: "1999 NCAA Basketball Champions". Rose Cunningham smiles
    wistfully as she remembers Carson's no-look dish to Cameron Stephens for
    the winning basket.

    Rose: From all the panic, you'd think that the ship actually sank. Ohio
    State and Indiana were two loses. It's a long season. And besides, it's
    just basketball.

    Celine Dione's voice can be heard repeating her mournful refrain once more
    as the screen fades to black and the credits roll ...

    Rose: Would you cut it out with that stupid song already!


    - Original Screenplay by BoilerBrian


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